The Twelve Tutors of Kira Izuru
by Glockenspiel
Summary: Kira Izuru has the mental capacity of a child and the general knows this. Therefore he gives Kira twelve tutors in the form of various captains to teach him. How will the captains fare teaching a boy who doesn't even know what girls are! Sequal to TTOMK.


**I have rewritten this author's note so many times I've lost count. It just went on for too long…there is so much to say..**

**But anyways, so here it is the second instalment of this series…I went with 'The Twelve Tutors of Kira Izuru' and then hopefully some more stories after that but judging on how long it took me to write the first one I am not so sure…**

**If you don't want to read the first story that's alright I can tell which chapters to read specifically so you understand…for this chapter anyways…**

**The pairings as they stand are Toshiro/Momo, Byakuya/Hisana, Shunsui/Nanao, Mayuri/Rei, Unohana/Zaraki, Ichigo/Rukia, Gin/Matsumoto **

**Kira will definitely be with someone too by the end of this story…a quick recap of last time Hisana is back from the dead, Mayuri adopted a class full of children and doesn't wear his mask and Kira actually has the mental age of a six year old..to the point where he doesn't know what girls are…or there about…Momo is like that too slightly though not as severe as Kira…so don't be alarmed if Kira isn't like the Kira on TV…oh..and he had a pet porcupine called Terry and Shunsui has a lizard called Paul…**

**This story is about Kira and the twelve people who try to tutor him so he gains some common sense which he currently lacks. Each tutor will be given a topic to teach. One of tutors he may end up being with…maybe…I dunno…Kira isn't like Mayuri who wasn't really compatible with anyone that I had to make someone up but I think I can get away with pairing him off with an existing character. **

**I think it would help if you read the first story…there are a lot of references to it in this first chapter…but it doesn't matter….unless you don't understand what's going on…that does matter…I am meant to be doing a geography essay but who cares…this is way more important…so yeah…that's about it…**

**This is an alright chapter just to get things moving..set the scene..more like a prologue…it will hopefully get funnier…like the first one…**

**--**

**THE TWELVE TUTORS OF KIRA IZURU**

Prologue

Kira Izuru was constipated.

He didn't know why or, to be honest, what was really going on. All he knew was that he hadn't had a bowel movement in over two days and it was starting to hurt.

He supposed it was something to do with the letter that rested on his bedside table.

Since receiving it Kira hadn't been sleeping well either, normally he would have forgotten about something like this. He had passed the others so easily.

The letter read something like this:

_Lieutenant Kira Izuru-Supervising Acting Captain 3__rd__ Squad_

_Your academic review day has been scheduled for the 6__th__ day of this month._

_If you are unable to attend please send a message immediately._

_Unattendable appointments not cancelled within 24 hours may incur a charge._

_Your presence is required._

Kira would have cancelled but left it too late and didn't want to risk being charged for it. He frowned, the board of captains sounded like his dentist. Making money wherever they could. He sighed and rolled over on the bed.

He wondered what he was going to do.

It finally dawned on Kira that he needed help and knew just the person to give it.

--

Mayuri Kurotsuchi prided himself on being a reformed character. He was always quick to point out that he had apologised for his former self. The crazy masked one who often decided the most painful procedure or experiment was the best one. And to top it off he had what he supposed was a girlfriend, although Mayuri didn't like that word- it felt weird saying it. He thought they were much more than that since this relationship was one where one of them would end up staying at the other's overnight-frequently. Mayuri did not mind this and wondered why he hadn't tried to find a girlfriend before the tasks. Then Shunsui would remind him that he had thought that 'nooky' was just for making babies and wasn't worth his time. Not to mention that no woman dead or alive would want to spend any amount of time alone-for a night-with Mayuri.

Mayuri now had thirty four children and enjoyed 'fun under the covers' as much as the next guy, which shows how far his character reformation has gone, but sometimes he wondered where his relationship was going and how long it was going to last. These thoughts were generally too deep for Mayuri to comprehend and left that sort of thinking to Rei who seemed to understand that Mayuri wasn't someone to think too much about these things.

However despite all the changes Mayuri was still Mayuri. Crazy and a little insane but on top of that a genius but some things still stumped him like Kira for example.

Mayuri stared at the blond haired lieutenant before him.

'You want me to what?'

Kira swallowed, 'Umm well, I've been having these problems….'

Mayuri smiled as if he understood what was going on and looked downwards., 'Ohh, so you've finally started to change. It's about time too, Kira, this is all part of growing up.'

Kira was silent, 'No, it wasn't that…'

Mayuri frowned, maybe he shouldn't have said anything, this _was_ Kira, 'Oh, learned the alphabet? Well done, I told you you'd get there if you tried hard enough-,'

'No it isn't that either, I always get stuck after 'm',' Kira cut in and Mayuri was forced to hear Kira's alphabet song which got decidedly confusing after 'h' not 'm'.

'Uh, Kira, I don't want to burst your bubble or anything but four isn't a letter…it's a number.'

Kira counted his fingers, deep in thought, 'But what comes after 'e'?'

'F,' Mayuri replied patiently.

Kira frowned, 'But what about four?'

'That comes after three not 'e'.'

Kira's face brightened immediately, 'Oh, that makes sense, thanks Mayuri taichou, these things are just so confusing.'

Mayuri wanted to slap his forehead. 'They're really not,' he muttered under his breath and then louder: 'back to your problem.'

'Oh yes, I just wanted to say-,'

'No, don't tell me, you like that little blond girl don't you? Well, sorry, she's my daughter now and even if I don't know her name yet, you're not going out with her. I don't think she's suitable for you and anyways, whenever she sees you she starts gibbering about the hulk behind your zipper,' Mayuri didn't want to dash the boy's hope but he had to stay away from that girl for the sake of her sanity.

'It's not that Mayuri taichou-.'It took a lot of frustration to effect Kira but he was a little irritated.

'It's not? Oh, are you growing a tail?'

Kira's eyes widened.

'Because if you are I'm not accountable. I just tampered with the water in the tenth division.'

Kira frowned, now he was angry, he didn't mind Mayuri guessing but he at least wanted sensible guessing. He shook his head.

'Oh, well then it can't be anything that serious, go bother someone else,' Mayuri grumbled checking his watch, he was in the main lab now, if he hurried he could catch the last part of Grey's Anatomy in his office. That Karev was such a jerk.

Kira was close to tears.

'Mayuri taichou, if you'd just listen for one minute.'

Mayuri sighed and motioned for him to go on.

'Ok, it started a few days ago and everything was fine, I ate dim sum for lunch and then I got this letter and-.'

Mayuri laughed, 'Oh don't tell me, you ate the paper on the bottom of the steamed buns. I know it looks edible but you can't eat it! Don't worry everyone's done it. It's not harmful-,'

'I HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE TOILET IN OVER TWO DAYS!'

The whole lab went still, even writhing hollow test subjects stilled at the outburst. Someone sniggered in the background.

'And by the way, I haven't eaten the paper on the bottom of dumplings before, everyone knows it's not the edible kind,' Kira added quietly. He hadn't had an outburst like that in a long time.

Mayuri stared nonplussed.

He didn't really want to be having this conversation. He'd definitely missed the last part of his TV show and it was about time to sort out his chocolate collection only this time he was letting Rei assist him. It was going to be fun and interesting and filled with Reece's Pieces. More so than standing here with Kira talking about his 'problems'.

Groaning Mayuri ran a hand through his messy hair, he should have known after all the weirdness that made up Kira's life he would end up coming to him with a problem as mundane as common constipation.

He had been expecting something else because knowing Kira the problems were going to be…well…strange.

The last time Kira had asked for any advice or indeed even hung out with Mayuri he had ended up getting drunk and cutting off his ear with his own sword thinking that was how manly man shaved. Mayuri cringed at the memory, who in their right mind shaves with a sword? But then again, this was Kira, who was most definitely not in his right mind.

Mayuri, quite rightfully, wanted to get away.

'Umm, Kira, that's uh nice but I didn't really want to know…,' Mayuri said, ushering Kira into his office where he thought he could find some privacy.

Privacy was hard to come by when your only friend was the captain of the eighth division.

--

Hitsugaya Toshiro woke suddenly.

There was a funny feeling coming from his lower regions. Lying on his back, he felt like something was being squashed. He sighed and dragged himself out of bed.

The last time he had felt a funny feeling from his lower half it had been down to Mayuri giving him a homemade pill which made him taller for an evening. Unfortunately some part of him had refused to return to its normal size and instead had enlarged itself. Toshiro shuddered at the memories. Shaking himself, he stood in front of the full length mirror in the bathroom.

Staring sleepily at his reflection he reached around and tried feel what was bothering him.

His hand touched something which could only be described as furry.

Toshiro froze

--

Mayuri's eyes nearly popped out of his head when he had taken a good look around the room. And then to make things worse he saw him. He covered Kira's eyes.

'Shunsui! What are you doing with that duck? Stop it. Right now. I'll have none of that in here. None!'

Shunsui Kyoraku looked up as if nothing suspicious happened between him and the duck he was holding. 'Oh hey, Mayuri, looks like you found my Nanao shrine.'

Mayuri suddenly noticed the walls, which were plastered with photos on Nanao Ise in various garb, some she was in hardly anything at all and Mayuri got the feeling that someone had spent a long time on Photoshop.

Other pictures were just plain creepy, Mayuri thought at one point that he was creepy but the photos on the wall looked like they were taken by a stalker. Blurry or fuzzy shots of Nanao at a distance. Some were when she wasn't even looking in the camera.

'Uh, Shunsui, this is my office…'

'Same thing,' Shunsui replied.

'Mayuri taichou, I've gone blind,' Kira said.

'Shunsui, did you take all these photos?' Mayuri asked, ignoring the young man. Shunsui beamed.

'Yup, aren't they awesome?'

Mayuri's jaw dropped when he saw the centre piece. A life size Nanao poster was up against a wall-it was a swim suit shot that to Mayuri looked as fake as two dollar bill. While the face was certainly Nanao's the body was made up the of someone else entirely.

'What's up with that poster?' Shunsui looked at it, a strange goofy smile spreading across his face. Mayuri slapped him.

'Oh, what, yeah, that's the newest Nanao swim-suit edition poster.'

'Shunsui, I hate to break it to but only the head is Nanao's.'

'No it's not.'

'Yes it is.'

'No.'

'Yes.'

'No.'

A vein twitched in Mayuri's forehead but Shunsui just looked plain amused.

'Shunsui the body has brown skin for crying out loud!'

Shunsui frowned at the picture, 'Oh yeah, I didn't even notice that.'

Mayuri wanted to hit him, how could you not notice something that major?

'Get this off the walls, Rei's going to be here soon and I don't want her to see Nanao all over the walls. Anyways why are you in my office?' Mayuri asked.

'Well I had to put it somewhere Nanao wouldn't notice…'

'The Seireitei is massive, full of all the hidden rooms and secret annexes you had to pick this place. My office which I happen to use a lot.'

'I don't see anything wrong with that,' Shunsui replied which left Mayuri wondering why on Earth this man was his friend.

'Taichou, I still can't see,' Kira said helplessly.

'Uh, oh, sorry Kira but this room is a little too….explicit for you to see,' Mayuri tried to explain.

'What does that mean?' Kira asked, trying to move Mayuri's hand which clamped across his eyes.

Shunsui watched bemused, 'Maybe you should just let him see, what's the worst that could happen?'

'Fine.' Mayuri removed his hand and Kira gawped at the sight.

'Mayuri taichou….,' Kira began.

'Yes,' Mayuri replied, dreading what was going to be said.

'You didn't tell me you had a pet duck.'

Mayuri sighed, 'Well Kira there are two types of people and they are men and-hold on- what did you say? A duck? I don't know any ducks.'

Kira picked up Shunsui's duck, it gave a load quack in protest.

'Oh that's Shunsui's not mine,' Mayuri replied, 'I don't like ducks, I'm more of a cat kinda person.'

Try as hard as he could Kira couldn't imagine Mayuri playing with kittens. He caught sight of some boxed candy and asked Mayuri if he could have some.

Mayuri knew there was something wrong with this scene. How could anyone not notice the posters on the walls, especially the incredibly mismatched one?

'Kira, have you looked at the walls?'

Mayuri cursed Shunsui for opening his big mouth. Now there was going to be trouble.

Kira stared for such a long time that Mayuri was tempted to wave a hand in front of his face just to check if he was alright.

'Kira?'

The acting captain suddenly gasped, 'Oh my gosh, it's a woman!'

Mayuri cringed, 'It took you that long to figure out it's a woman?!'

Kira nodded looking proud of himself.

Shunsui was laughing. He too had found the boxed candy and was helping himself to it while watching Kira and Mayuri.

Mayuri noticed.

'Don't eat those!' he screeched and snatched them away from the other captain. 'They are _my_ Reece's Pieces. Not yours!'

'Uh, Mayuri weren't you allergic to peanuts why would you be eating these?'

'They were for Rei, and anyways I usually scrape out the peanut butter filling and just eat the chocolate.'

Shunsui raised an eyebrow.

Mayuri searched through the box, 'Where are the Hershey Kisses? Where? Who ate them?'

Shunsui pointed to the duck who almost seem to scowl back and honked evilly. Mayuri frowned, 'Do you really expect me to believe that the duck ate my chocolate?'

Shunsui shrugged, 'He did, I swear, scout's honour.'

'You were never a scout.'

Shunsui sighed, 'Ok, I wasn't but the duck really did eat them all, I saw him. I mean look at his face. Not exactly the picture of innocence. Look at those squinty eyes…'

Mayuri looked at the duck and then Shunsui again, 'Shunsui it's a duck…its doesn't squint at all….'

The duck nodded in agreement then choked and spat out a silver foil wrapping. He guiltily waddled away.

Mayuri gasped, 'Wow, he really did eat the chocolate.'

'Told you so. Now we can cook him.'

There was a frightened squeak from the duck as it tried to head for the door. Just as it reached it the door swung open. The duck was squished.

Mayuri and Shunsui winced. That had to hurt.

'Captain! There you are, I have been looking…' Nanao trailed off as she noticed the wallpaper.

Mayuri groaned, does no one knock on doors anymore.

'Uh Nanao-chan I can explain.' Shunsui began but didn't get any further as Nanao started to beat him with her hefty book.

Kira eyes widened, 'Oh my gosh, it's the girl from the posters.'

Nanao gave him a whack with the book too.

When he recovered Kira was in shock, 'Oh my gosh the girl from the posters is Nanao!'

Nanao froze and Shunsui cowered waiting for the next blow.

'Are you telling me that you've just noticed it was me in the posters?' Nanao asked incredulously. She knew Kira was a little out there but not by this much.

Kira nodded proudly and Nanao couldn't think of anything to say so continued to hit her captain.

'Aww, Nanao, you should be flattered that I did this.'

'Not at all! And why here of all places,' Mayuri nodded in agreement at this point, 'I don't want Mayuri taichou looking at these, no offence taichou.'

'None taken,' Mayuri replied.

Nanao noticed the main attraction and went pale, 'And this! What is this travesty? Shunsui, I know you do this to annoy me but honestly you didn't have to go that far.'

She caught sight of the thing behind the door. 'And why is there a duck squashed against the wall?'

Mayuri was getting a headache. This place had turned into a madhouse.

'Did I come at a bad time?' a voice said.

Mayuri whipped around, 'For the love of hula hoops doesn't anyone knock on doors anymore?'

Then Mayuri saw who it was and stammered, 'Oh, hi, Rei.'

She looked at walls and then at him expectantly.

'You don't think I did this?' Mayuri asked suddenly sweating.

She smiled, 'No, but I can never tell with you. Strange doesn't even begin to explain what you are.'

Mayuri didn't know whether this was a compliment or not and he pointed to Shunsui who was crying over Nanao who was ripping down all the offending material while Kira just stared at the squashed duck.

'Shunsui started it,' Mayuri said shuffling his feet

'You sounded like the children in my class,' Rei said and shook her head at the growing mess. 'I don't think you can explain this and I'm not going to even bother asking about the duck.'

'I'm sorry I think the duck ate all the Hershey's Kisses…and there are only a few Reece's Pieces left,' Mayuri said apologetically.

Rei laughed, 'I don't mind but I think we should go somewhere else.'

Mayuri sighed, 'This is so backwards, I shouldn't be the one leaving my own office.'

Before Mayuri could head for the door Nanao stormed out.

'Something tells me you aren't going to get any for a long time,' Mayuri said. Kira frowned.

'Get any what?' he asked confused.

Rei looked at him intently. 'Uh, nothing Kira, forget it.'

Shunsui gave a dramatic arm wave, 'You underestimate me, my dear Mayuri! With my manly charm and witty ways I will win my Nanao back!'

Mayuri deadpanned, 'Good luck with that…if the manly charm fails your persistence won't.'

Kira brightened, 'I think he was giving you a condiment, Kyoraku taichou.'

It took them a minute to figure out what Kira was trying to say, 'He means compliment doesn't he?' Rei whispered.

Mayuri nodded.

Shunsui threw an arm around Kira, 'It was an insult disguised as a compliment.'

Kira's face told Shunsui that he clearly didn't know this could be done.

'I thought I was just downright insulting him,' Mayuri muttered and Rei smiled.

He kicked at the papers on the floor, someone was going to have to clean all this up, he hoped it wouldn't have to be him.

Despite having his Nanao shrine destroyed Shunsui didn't look very sad.

In fact he had gotten over it pretty quick, Mayuri was suddenly suspicious.

'Shunsui, why aren't you distraught? Normally when Nanao finds your stash of pictures and destroys them you're inconsolable.'

Shunsui grinned coyly.

'Oh don't worry I have a special back up room which no one will ever find,' replied Shunsui.

Mayuri suddenly had a bad feeling.

--

Byakuya was enjoying his one day off. This meant mostly sitting extremely still at a table and drinking tea. After his knees started to ache he decided to go visit his Koi fish pond.

Byakuya soon realised that without his work he didn't really have anything to do and Hisana sensing his boredom decided to ask him what he wanted to do.

After much silence which Hisana had expected as his reply she decided that they would go for a walk around the house. Byakuya followed silently as she walked.

They came to the old door of an out-building that looked as if it hadn't been opened in years.

'Do you know what is in here?' Hisana asked.

Byakuya gave her a long look and she took it as a no. Hisana sighed, she would have liked it if her husband actually spoke words to her. She wasn't telepathic and it wasn't like his face gave anything away either. His face was a like a statue's one emotion-always. But then again it was a very nice face so she forgave him.

And then once in a while he would surprise her.

'I do not know what is kept in this building, most likely it is used for storage,' Byakuya said, 'I know you are not telepathic, I cannot help that my face gives away nothing and it is not like a statue. I occasionally register shock and sometimes happiness in the form of a rare smile.'

Hisana gaped, that was the single most longest sentence that Byakuya had said this month, he must be in a good mood, she thought. She laughed at the idea. Even if Byakuya was in a good mood it would be impossible to tell by his tone of voice.

The laugh was enough of a response for Byakuya and he opened the door.

Hisana's laughs were cut short. The two gawked at the contents of the room. Well Hisana gawked, Byakuya just looked.

'This isn't yours is it?' Hisana asked jokingly, knowing full well who was the culprit of this _very_ strange décor.

Byakuya was silent.

He was going to be visiting Shunsui Kyoraku very soon. Very soon indeed.

--

**Byakuya has a very nice face indeed…yup…and so does Mayuri…I drew a picture of Mayuri a long time ago and I have decided that I am going to put it on my neglected deiviant art page under ugg glockenspiel because even though it's not finished and pretty rubbish something needs to happen to it…spent ages colouring that picture…damn it…**

**Don't hesitate to message me over anything and all that…I am a nice person…really…**

**So this is the prologue thingy….so the next chapter will be the actual meeting, Toshiro's tail problem and all that blah..so far the first story is much better…but give it time…**

**As research I read through my last story…omg…it was crazy and all over the place and that's me writing at my best..heh..so many mistakes and it was well long…like crazy long…**

**I can't promise anything either…I don't know much of what's going to happen…I almost never do till I start typing so bear with me and whatever directions this story may go.**

**I didn't know whether start relationships anew or to keep them going but decided in the end to just keep them going. I won't be able to recreate the whole Shunsui and Nanao thing again, that's the best way I could've done it. It would be too hard to think of another way. **

**I need suggestions for topics that need to be taught or anyone who has a chance with Kira…soooo any help that you would be able to offer would be much appreciated the same for if you see any mistakes.**

**Thanks for taking your time to read this!**

**Now for a poem,**

**There was a boy called Kira  
Who drove a Nissan Almera  
He ran over a blue haired clown  
and then the car broke down  
so Kira ran far away  
with a tin of hair spray**

**It wasn't very good….hardly anything rhymes with Kira **


End file.
